My History with Sexual Predators

The unearthing  of so much sexual harassment and assaults, with victims at last being believed, is creating an opportunity for the ancient roots of sexual bullying to be brought into the light. The turmoil of victims stating their truths and exposing the abusers actions is creating a harrowing yet liberating cultural experience that everyone is effected by.  Do I dare hope that this upheaval will have a lasting awakening? I hope it with every cell.

I was groomed by a pedophile between the ages of 7 and 8. I was injured on every layer of my being.  I worked through it quietly and persistently on my own as I didn’t trust any cultural institutions.  Like so many with these experiences it robbed me of my voice, I felt I would be killed if I spoke up, told my truth.  I persisted with a weight to every step.

So far I have made two films with my friends and community. One, twenty years ago, called ‘Teeth’  was about a woman’s transformation of fear.

Below is the raw footage of a scene from a self defense class. At the time I was a Martial Artists and had grown from a student who would have to sit out crying on occasion because of ‘all the hitting’,  to a serious student. The scene shows how overwhelming the stats are when you start learning to defend yourself.

I owe my training to how I handled a situation that came up at work. I had been hired to play an international hit woman on a TV show. There was a scene where I had handcuffed the hero to a bed and did a strip tease to ‘threaten’ him. I had a rider that I would have a body double if needed or that it would be off camera. The day that I arrived on set I went to sit with the director. We talked a bit about the character and then he turned to me and said, ‘I know the strip tease is off camera but would you do it naked to give the crew a thrill’. I felt a shock in my body, then turned to him and calmly said, ‘You know what your job is don’t you?  It’s to protect me from statements like that. And that strip tease scene is not threatening. She should be sitting on him and he should be wondering if she is going to fuck him or kill him. You can do it in two shots and it will save you time.’ We ended up doing the scene just like that. I highly recommend studying Martial Arts in any form.

Ten years ago I made a film called ‘Cruel But Necessary’ which is a film about a women  who begins to deconstruct the culture when her marriage breaks apart.

She works in HR and this scene is her tricking a sexual harasser.

You can see the whole film at

There are so many people to thank for how we got here today. Every story that was told, every person that believed someone and offered support, all the people that put laws in place so there is cultural boundary and consequence.  All the people that see with new eyes. Millions of small actions by millions of good people. Many more steps to go.  It’s going to be messy but the time is now, the place is here. Onward.




Hey, WTF, Life isn’t a Sport


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Sports – competing, winning, losing, betting, taking sides. Winners and Losers.

Has our discourse become  sport? Is a tweet a pitch across the mound? Have our opinions become serves we lob out to score against someone? Do we share information to ‘win’ an appearance of being smart or good or better? Do we gossip to elevate ourselves above those idiots who lose points with us by doing/being/looking  off side? Of course we do!

We score with our righteousness we earned by reading some news story or listening to some juicy tidbit. We have banners and mascots and images and fashion and colors for our side. We gather our sound bites as wins and once a point has been scored you can’t unwin it. That would be unfair! Unfair to the game we are playing.

Well life isn’t a game. It’s a dynamic biological interaction that our consciousness rides on. But we can make it a game. By choice. We all need air and water and food and community. All that other stuff, opinions and religious beliefs and political alignments can be changed. But we often hang onto ideas as if they are air, fight for a point like it’s food. Can we keep our love of sport in the world of sport and deepen our discourse and listening? I don’t know.

The following is an excerpt from my podcast #5;

Time for a horror story. Nothing has shaken me to the bone more that what I am about to tell you. You are about to hear a super sad tale of horror and woe. 

A friend of mine teaches grade six science and math in a public school. Every year she teaches a three week block about fractions. She has them learn very hands on, a looking, touching, practical approach that leads into the abstractions of the number system. She has never had a child fail the test in her fifteen years of teaching. This year, all went as planned, lovely involved kids, enjoying the learning, except that not one student passed the test and the same thing was happening to these children in their other classes. It was a mystery, a sad horrible mystery.

And I wondered what could possibly have happened to these children that was not apparent during instruction, why not one of these active, participating students could pass a sit down test.

And then it hit me.


Now, I hope I’m wrong but – could it be that these children are the first generation of children to reach grade six who were raised with both themselves and their parents spending large amounts of time on cell phones, decives and computers. Because with deep sadness I can explain how that could be the cause.


A child learns through modeling. Not runway modeling, modeling means that their developing selves require them to have another more mature biological entity spending time with them, performing mature brain operations, to give their brain a template of how to branch out.

Now you know what the experience is of having ‘devices’ how they can own you. How we become like dogs in a park full of smells. We most certainly live in blocks of distraction. Distraction is a state of being that is expressing how our neurons are firing…and they fire according to how we are using them.

I know you know this state of unsettled distraction.

And here is something else you know. You know what the feeling is to have an idea, it’s a physical sensation. and you know what it feels like to ‘hold an idea’, yeah? This ‘holding of an idea’ is essential to abstract learning. It’s being able to grasp a concept with our inner world and hold it there, to build it, nurture it, come back to it, question it, wonder at it.

Children can learn by mimicing in the early years but the power of learning through mimicing fades and the being is designed to grow into the glory and joy that is holding and interacting with abstract ideas.

So what if, as a child, this modeling of this essential ability ‘to hold an idea’ was not nurtured at the right time due to parents and children being disrupted on devices.
Watching screens is not holding an idea within yourself. You know that because you know what the physical experience is of having a place inside yourself where concptual ideas live and you know what it’s like to be on screens.

Can you even imagine what life would be like without this ability to have an inner container for an idea. Scan yourself and imagine that there are no containers for lovely ideas and concepts just the ability to hop from bit to bit of information. That’s horror.


Thinkings purpose is to be used to think on an idea. Thinking longs to be in service of an idea. Using thinking to bung up your random thoughts is stressful because thoughts are meant to come and go, to inform us and fade away like the scent of a flower.

Thinking is for ideas, not creating anxiety and panic launched off false premises.

One of the great joys of being human is to be at play with an idea, a concept, to share and discuss ideas with others, to have and develop your own ideas. It’s brain sex, it feels that good. It can feel better than gossip.

And of these children? The brain can find a work around. Meditation can certainly help them, adults conciously modeling how to hold an idea can help them, limiting screen time will help , and art can help – playing and expressing themselves in music, painting, gardening, crafts, dance, theatre, poetry – art is essential food, today more than ever.

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Jane Sanders vs Melania Trump


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During the primaries, I supported Bernie and his ideas. A friend who also liked his ideas remarked that Bernie wasn’t presidential and that his wife Jane shouldn’t be in the White House as she didn’t have class so would not vote for him. I thought Jane would be a wonderful First Lady.

We had two very different woman that were at one point up for being the female image of the White House. Certainly, if Bill had become the First Gentleman his choice of suit or hair style would not have been discussed. I have a feeling that Michele Obama will be happy to have her fashion duties down graded and our interest in what she thinks upgraded. Hillary went with a fancy Angela Merkel/Michelle Bachelet style. A woman running the big show doesn’t seem to make time for bells and whistles.

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We have Melania now. Let me give my disclaimer. I don’t really care what people wear, do to their hair, or what their fashion sense is. That being said, having a body, I have some experience about what it is to take care of one’s person and have an identity that is partly built on one’s image. Just like you do.

I feel for Melania.  English is her second language and those speeches must have been terrifying.  And all those that posted her naked picture to shame her need a rethink. A naked woman being a symbol for ridicule, for disgust, for being outcast is perhaps the biggest absurdity of our culture. We all come into this world from the body of a woman and yet its identity is largely controlled by the male gaze. Ladies are you sporting that male gaze?

Some Women, like I imagine Melania does, spend a great deal of time perfecting their appearance in order to control how others see them – as some ideal and perfect beauty.  A woman can feel her survival and safety depend on her image and not on her awakening discourse. Hmmm.

I had wanted Jane Sanders to be the First Lady. I had wanted her to be the female image in the White House and the International voice of an American woman.  Jane seemed a bit shellshocked by being tossed into the spotlight but just grabbed what was in her closet, ran a comb through her hair and quickly gathered up her ideas that she had been living her whole life and spoke.

I had wanted Poncho not Pucci, one lipstick not a team of beautifiers, loafers not stilettos, eco-sac not emu clutch, home cookin’ not fine dining, gardening not shopping, crafts not brands, comfort not control, someone who is a woman because she wakes up one not two hours of trowel and wand, because wouldn’t that be a sweet ride for America to wrestle with.

I am going to chop off my hair and continue to look deeply at the agency of my own consciousness. Because each consciousness has the ability to rethink what we believe, taking the best and leaving the rest. Perhaps our old self cannot truly be left behind but it can be shrunk as new ways are built by thought, by word, by deed.

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The Last Podcast and Punching


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Have wrapped up the monologuing I’ve been doing with Patric Caird. So appreciative of all the listeners and warmth that came my way as I continue expanding this philosophy. I will now go to another level and put it into a different form.…its/id1088536792?mt=2

‘One more punch. Always give one more punch’.

That’s a quote from a Yogananda booklet on success that a friend of mine left at my house many moons ago. I thought, ‘Yeah, Meditating Yoga Dude, that’s how real life is, it needs punches.’  So, even if you are only able to punch in your imagination…punch.

The book I recommend is Feral by George Monbiot  It’s a great read and speaks to rewilding nature vs conserving nature. Informative, hopeful and real.

The film I recommend is Into the Forest by Patricia Rozema which I wrote a blog about and want to give it another shout out. It  gets called a chick flick instead of ‘hey check out this film’. And so it goes.

Also just read Kitten Clone by Douglas Coupland who has a masterful voice regarding culture.

I wish you many good punches.

Competition vs Community

People give up bread for lent or fast for Ramadan.   In that spirit I have decided to give up competitive thought, word and deed for the rest of the voting season. This includes competing with myself.To give up something that is so entrenched in our culture will be a challenge so I have given myself something to shift into  every time I bust myself in a competitive mode. I will shift into community minded thought.

competestrive to gain or win something by defeating or establishing superiority over others who are trying to do the same.

communitya feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.

There is a flag right off the bat, ‘sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals’. To think with a mind towards community I have to seek what I have in common with others not what I have that is different.

What are the elements of competing that we have in our culture? Well we have  testing, sports, games, gambling, being right,  worshipping hero’s,  masking insecurity by putting others down , market place competition, weighing and measure ourself and others against a mythical perfection, dieting, exercising and that big Magilla competing for attention – in families, the arts, business, charities, conversations, ideas, religions, politics, friendships, body image, status. Our own ideas competing for attention within us.

Is competing ‘just how things are’, is it the truth of human nature? I don’t think so. It feels like a runaway cultural meme.  We have downloaded Darwin’s ‘survival of the fittest’ idea for so long that his ideas about altruism and survival can’t find a root.

So I will be scanning myself to see how I come together with others and with my smaller community of me, myself and I with it’s dueling banjo soundtrack.

With my vote I want to reflect what is best for community not competition so while the madness continues I will clean my own house.






The Film – ‘Into the Forest’


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This is the only film review I’ve ever written;

The Godfather is the story of a lovestruck young woman who falls for a man with a big fun family who keep her in the dark about how she lives in luxury and gets a smack when she steps out of line

So in that spirit I want to put something down for the film, ‘Into the Forest’ from writer/director, Patricia Rozema. Adapted from the novel by Jean Hegland it’s an after the apocalypse film with two female leads, Ellen Page and Evan Rachel Wood.

What a nourishing bath it was to watch two real women unadorned by cultures weighty objectification needs as they sink closer and closer into nature. By experiencing these ‘natural’ humans it puts a glaring light on what our culture has put on women to be sexy, beautiful, there for our judgement – madonnas or whores, surviving through manipulation.  See it for this alone. The ‘quality’, the anchor note that a ‘she’ brings to the planet is there to behold.

Rozema’s direction is spare yet full of motion, her vision beautifully held. The actors are wonderfully simple, bare and true.

There were a couple of moments when I had to choose to walk across the bridge of my disbelief and back into the film. That got me thinking how programed we are to suspend our disbelief;

Cop – What were you doing Thursday the 23rd from 3 to approximately 4:25?

Person – I was taking my sister to the dentist (or some other immediate answer as if people are faster than day planners)

Our Hero kills multiple Uzi shooting assailants while not getting hit once by these professional killers – we go with it!

And of course she runs into the basement and not out the door to her neighbors when she realizes a monster is in the house.

Of course hospitals are really that busy, babies that sad and typing constantly on a computer is what allows a page to load.

To experience ourselves in more diverse stories we need to expand our skill to suspend disbelief in new ways and stay in a story that we haven’t yet been trained to accept.  We cannot keep demanding the same story habits and expect our psyches to evolve.

For example I heard that the true story behind the film ‘The Revenant’ was that after the Leo DiCaprio’s character finds his way back to the fort after being left to die, he actually forgives the guy, thereby not challenging him to a duel to the death. That would have been a powerful, brave, story turn to have made, forgiveness in this madness we are living, not revenge.

I felt so seen and met by ‘Into the Forest’. It supports what I have to say in my blogs and my podcasts and I am grateful to all who had a hand in it.

So, men, women, other, find ‘Into the Forest’ and get some new feels on. Our evolution requires it. And if the Apocalypse happens, I hope we get to start over this way.

‘Genitals, Genitlas, Genitals’


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Here is the link to the Podcast about genitals;


Regarding the topic of ‘Genitals’ I witnessed a bit of evolution while in Canada last week. My husband I were walking with a friend and his dog. We crossed the street and ran into a neighbor of our friend – a woman with her three year old in a stroller. The little girl reached out her arms to the dog and the mother unbuckled her so she could embrace her doggy friend. When the mother introduced the girl to us she got shy and put her head into her stroller with her bum in the air. We all looked down as the girl’s bum was right at the level of the dog’s nose. The dog started to sniff her bum. There was a slight waver in the air as everyone scanned the situation. Our friend didn’t pull on his dog. The mother didn’t try to turn her daughter around. The dog took a couple of sniffs and lost interest. The girl was able to continue to feel shy with her head in her stroller. Everyone got respected and nature took it’s course.

These past few days I have been thinking  about Joseph Chilton Pearce who started the process of dying a few days ago and posted this on FB

Thought that this would be an eye opening read and have ordered it. A little inside look at the CDC getting out into the world seems like just the thing.

Episode # 6 – ‘Thoughts, Think, Idea’ plus Cops and TM


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I have been doing TM(transcendental meditation) since I was 19. And though I have explored other forms of meditation – chi gong, when i was doing martial arts, kundalini and buddhist meditation – TM remained my base. I had only gone back to have a TM ‘check’ twice in all these years.

So, then…

My chiropractor comes into town about once a month and I went to have an adjustment at his latest pop-up location which happened to be, the David Lynch Foundation, meditation center. I got talking with Lynne  Kaplan, who is a TM teacher and she invited me to come listen to a speaker and have a group meditation . Meditation has been such a private thing for me all these years but the women’s group that met once a month felt compelling.

I have been going now for several months and find it to be very nourishing. Lynne starts by asking a question which we all give a quick answer to, then we meditate, then we have a tasty snack and listen to a speaker, which leads to conversation. The time is always charged with honesty, strength and courage of women living on the cusp of their quest.

Last Sunday, I walked in to find two gorgeous women in full LAPD uniforms. They had both recently begun TM and were going to give a talk. So in their Kevlar vests, with their gun belts, wool uniforms and sturdy shoes on we all meditated together. That alone was pretty astounding. Meditating in a yoga class, sure. Meditating in a park, on a bus, in a laundromat, at the beach, sitting on a curb, sure, done and done. But never have I meditated with two fully uniformed police officers.

What does Rumi say “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there”. Well, that’s what happened, and with cops – our cultural’s perfect image of all things right and wrong. That’s the image that invokes fear of being weighed and measured, found guilty and punished that we hold over from childhood. And to go into that field with cops, yeah, it will change you.

Lead officers Julie Nony and Maggie Dillard are twenty one year veterans of LAPD. They told of their journey into compassion, of how just being a woman cop often neutralizes hostile situations and that some cops are assholes.

TM is bringing mediation into schools and it’s helping children. The LAPD is open to offering meditation as a tool to officers. Julie and Maggie bring a whole other kind of courage to their job when they come and meditate with the people they  serve and protect. How about cops and kids meditating together? Hmm interesting.

So for Lynne Kaplan,  Julie Nony and Maggie Dillard I dedicate this podcast to you.

Episode #6 is about our pesky mind and how it is not designed for frustration and worry. Enjoy!



Episode #5 – ‘Saddest History Ever’


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When I was a teenager I read ‘Holy Blood, Holy Grail’. It was a retelling of the story of Jesus by three different scholars using historical data. I didn’t come from a religious family but was aware of the basic plot points of the biblical Jesus. The thrill of having my brain scaffolding of ‘what I thought was true’ collapse from factual repatterning is something that I have sought out ever since. Robin Grille’s book ‘Parenting for a Peaceful World’ was one of those books. It is shocking and loaded with information that I feel is important to know. If you dare get yourself a copy.

In the book, Grille, mentioned a man, Lloyd de Mause, as being someone who he was getting information from. So, now this is some ten years ago, I went to New York City and met Lloyd in a coffee shop. He had a soft spoken passion and seemed like a man who was worn from swimming against the main stream. He gave me some literature and I signed up for a year of his newsletter. He was a corner stone for an international movement of historians relooking at all things ‘childhood’.

For many years,  my bedside table Bestie has been the books of Joseph Chilton Pearce. His ground in the truth about childhood development it essential reading. I was honoured to introduce him as a speaker when I hosted the 50th anniversary of the Highland Hall Waldorf school.

So, I present, Episode #5…for you.

You can got to itunes –…its/id1088536792?mt=2

Or just click on the podcast link above.

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Thank you.

Podcasting and Ballet


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So I have posted episode #4 ‘Inventing’ – If woman had invented the world.

Will post #5 ‘Saddest History ever!’on the weekend and have just recorded #6. It takes a few hours to write each 15-18 minutes piece, the recording is reasonably quick though I do have to work around planes, trucks, dogs, leaf blowers and construction noise. It takes Patric and I about 8 hours to add the music and sound effects. My plan is to string them all together in one piece once it is complete so it plays like a 2 and half hour radio play or rather monoplay that delivers a download from the premise ‘everyone’s first home was a woman’s body so what the hell happened’. Then I am going to get a bunch of people together to get high/or not, lie on the floor and listen to the whole thing. Then I will interview them. Let me know if you want to take the trip when it’s done.

If you haven’t checked it out you can listen below on itunes…its/id1088536792?mt=2


just go to the podcast link  on this page. thanks.

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Ballet. Lovely ballet. My body figured out the pain issues with the help of the Egoscue book ‘Pain Free’. A few things  made a huge difference;

1) realizing that basically the entire back of the body is for strength and the front for flexibility – it’s easy to check myself and remind the back of me to hold me as my default has been to ask the front of my hips to hoist me around (psoas) and that pulls on my lower back.

2) my lower spine functions better when allowing it’s natural curve – I had tended to tuck my tail under, even when hiking uphill and I see now how that forced me to use the wrong muscles.

3) the body needs space to naturally find it’s desired comfort place – every chance I get I allow my body to let go and take it’s comfort position as I can get stuck in a holding pattern which is not natural for easy daily movement.

I am going slowly.





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I decided to expand on the ideas in the book that I wrote from this blog. I had thought a theatre piece was next but it turned out podcasting was the next expansion and here it is. It’s serialized and meant to be heard sequentially. There are two episodes so far, each about 15 minutes long. I plan to launch an episode every two weeks.

If you are curious as to how they turned out you can connect below or click the podcasting button at the top of the page. Your listening and feedback would be much appreciated.

 How it all happened.


 After some research I bought a blue-yeti mike, a mike stand and a mike cover.  That cost about 150 dollars and my husband had a mike stand. It’s important for sound quality to have the mike suspended as otherwise it will pick up noise from your desk and probably computer. I got advice from my brother-in-law John who podcasts and led me to some tutorials and helped with the initial sorting out which turned out to be quite horrible.

I had decided at the same time to rebuild my old website which was floating in the ethers since mobile me stopped operating at the same time I lost my website info on a computer transfer years ago. This created much confusion and the help person on my hosting site would tell me one things and it would screw things up and then tech help at GoDaddy where my domain was would tell me something else. It makes for a very terrible feeling in the brain to sit there hour after hour hitting dead ends and not being able to find that one little thing that is particular to your situation that will enable you to be up and running technically.

Once I was done reclaiming my website, I built my site in an hour and was then able to dive right into podcasting hell where Dean, who was my tech support on actually called me brave, so I must have sounded like I had scrambled brains even on ichat. The trouble with tutorials and people as well is that it is likely that your situation is unique somehow and one missing piece will lock you out of forward progress.

I recorded on the Audacity program which was free and very simple. It took a very few tests to settle on mike volume and how far to be from the mike. Then I sent my files to Patric Caird and we spent about 90 minutes a day for four days adding music and sound effects. It went fairly smoothly and we found that more often than not  the music we pulled from his library would fit perfectly with the dialogue. In each episode there was one place that became a boondoggle and took up the whole ninety minute session. He has a sound effects library as well and we added those as we went along.

Putting it up on itunes was another bit of hell. I couldn’t even find someone to pay to come over and help me get my first one up on itunes. Thanks to Sophie who sat with me through a lot of the frustration, and though she is tech savy was stymied by my particular roadblock. Finally it was solved with Patric figuring out the final piece once my hosting site problem was solved.

I ended up going to my naturalpath doctor who told me my corpus callosum had crashed under the stress! That’s the part of the brain that connects the two hemispheres and a crash basically means your hormones start firing improperly and you feel super crappy. He set me right and am back on track. It took a village! Thank you village.

Once you know how to do something it’s embarrassingly easy. Now I have other problems to solve like adding descriptions and pics to each individual episode and understanding how to spread the word.


Ballet.7 Pain and Beyond


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Yup, coming as no surprise to anyone, my back started to hurt in class.

I had a couple of classes where I felt my Psoas muscles were weakening and then my back felt nervy and the nerves radiated down my legs and aggravated an old knee pain. I knew exactly where I was. Back at my weakest link not knowing exactly what that was.

I went to the chiro and got acupuncture and that helped but I knew it was time for a reworking of how I moved. I had to either quit or uncover movement habits that had been set years ago. I didn’t know where to start but remembered an elderly friend telling me that she had healed a very sore knee by doing simple exercises in a book names ‘PAIN FREE –  A Revolutionary Method for Stopping Chronic Pain’ by Pete Egoscue.

I got instant relief from some passive exercises and began to translate what the book was telling me to my specific situation. Here are some bibs and bobs;

  • If your knee is in pain it probably comes from your hip, ankle, back, etc. When we go to a doctor they isolate and fix a joint not considering that the pain probably originated in a different place in the body.
  • The body is brilliantly designed and this idea that we have weak knees and ankles by design in a myth. Our distortion of the design is what creates pain and disfunction by muscles and tendons pulling on bones.
  • The pelvis has two kinds of muscles – those designed for balancing and those for doing work. This one was a revelation as I knew instantly that I was asking my balancing muscles to do most of the lifting and that’s what caused my back pain.
  • You can build your eg. quads all you want but if you haven’t first released your flexion muscles you won’t have proper access to your quads. Releasing those muscles habituated to flexion so the design can work as planned it key.

So I am doing the tedious work of figuring out how I am moving off the grid of ease by listening to my habits. I do have lots of new strength and movement from the classes but now I need to have a new consciousness. I am doing this on my own knowing that I need to always listen with discovery in mind. Bringing to surface life long patterns and building new ones with a new awareness is my task for at least a couple more weeks. A mission whose time has come.

Meanwhile I am looking to launch a theatrical version of the book in the late spring.